i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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