btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i barfeds in our rink
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
