3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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