Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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