why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
