when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
