It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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