I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my sisters under your porch take her home
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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