Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
