Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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