so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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