When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
