when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
