btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
