well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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