woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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