I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
