what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
