I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
