True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
