Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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