btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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