I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
