I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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