Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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