Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
