yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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