Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
