i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
