I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
