your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
how drunk are you?
Several
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
