i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
