the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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