I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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