Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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