He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
