my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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