Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
