There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Who died my cat blue again?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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