I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
