Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
