someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
