ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
