Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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