i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
