We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
