bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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