you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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