Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
