shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
